Not sure what I'm doing with this post, if its introspection, cartharsis or what, but bear with me.

I got Fi back from her conference in Auckland yesterday, and I am incredibly grateful for that.

Last Friday night we went out for drinks with some of my coworkers in honour of one who is leaving us to pursue his masters degree. Fi and I didn't stay long as we were going to a movie. As we were leaving another co worker arrived with his wife in tow. I had only met her briefly a couple of times and was a bit disappointed we couldn't stay longer and get to know her a little more.

Tomorrow we're going to her funeral.

This is absolutely tragic in more ways than I care to relate here, but whats been doing my head in for the last couple of days is that we could see someone happy, healthy, laughing and joking, when all the time someone could have pointed at her and said "you have less than five days to live. You won't see it coming, you won't get any warning, you'll just be gone."

Death is manageable as an abstract but in close proximity even when you barely know the deceased it gets messy. At work we had good news, bad news, scant details, then final announcements. There have been times this week when I have wished my memory would fail me and I could just forget.

I have found I can usually compartmentalise my emotions pretty well but the end of life breaks down those walls. I'm wondering if being *this* (brings thumb and forefinger together in a dramatic fashion) close to being dead once has a role in this, or perhaps I am more sensitive than I care to admit, or maybe I just really don't like people dying.